Sunday, March 18, 2007

So much stuff... so little time. Damn.

My time in the UK is drawing to a close, and while there are many, many things I want to write about, I do not have the time right now. Until I have time to write about that, all I have to share now is my itinerary for my 15 day trip to Italy, starting on Thursday:

March 22: Arrive in Milan at 2pm. Spend night.
March 23: Day in Milan. Catch overnight train to Naples at 10pm.
March 24: Arrive in Naples at 8am. Day in Naples.
March 25: Pompeii and Mt. Vesuvius.
March 26: Amalfi coast and extra time in Pompeii or Mt. Vesuvius, depending on how many rocks were left unturned.
March 27: Catch 8am train to Rome. Day in Rome.
March 28: Vatican city, other sights.
March 29: Take in some more sights. Catch 4pm train to Florence.
March 30: Day in Florence.
March 31: Pisa.
April 1 : Orvietto.
April 2 : Catch train to awesome natural spa hotel outside of Sienna.
April 3 : Still at awesome natural spa hotel. See a bit of Sienna.
April 4 : Catch 11am train to Ravenna. Day in Ravenna. Catch 9pm train to Milan.
April 5 : Fly back to the UK and hope I don't get held up too long in customs this time.

So there's a rough sketch of some of the things I'll be writing about upon my return.

Until next time...

With Love,
Joey

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Answers!!

Explanation Guide to What Do You Mean by That, Anyway?©



1) Pram:
Also called a “push chair,” the word pram is used to refer to the object that people in the U.S. call a “stroller.” When you say “stroller” in England, people don’t know what you’re talking about.

2) Jumper:
In the U.S. we call them “sweaters,” and you’ll get strange looks if you try to indicate that a person was wearing overalls by saying something to the effect of “he ripped the knee of his jumpers when he leapt off the tractor.”

3) Brekki:
Short for breakfast and used more frequently than the whole, mouth tiring word “breakfast.”

4) Tarmac:
The name of the stuff that the English lay their roads with… mention the word “Asphalt” and you’ll get laughed out of the room for being stupid… I mean, come on, who calls it “Asphalt” anyway? IDIOTS! That’s who!

5) Bog Roll:
You know, rolls of bog material… detritus and the like. Naw, dawg, I'm just kidding. The term “bog roll” actually refers to toilet paper, or toilet roll.

6) Pants:
Whatever you do, don’t try to tell anyone English that you ripped your pants in a tussle with the dog, or that you spilled something on your pants during dinner, because when they say “pants” in England, what they’re referring to is what we call “underwear,” or “panties.”

7) Apples and Pears:
For reasons I am unaware of, it is known by most, possibly all English people that “apples and pears” means “stairs,” and while it is not the most widely used term referring to stairs, it is used.
Apparently there is quite a large body of information on Cockney Slang, but I have not yet looked into this.

8) Lift:
English people generally find it hilarious that we call “lifts” “elevators,” and most people in this country that I have spoken to believe that “elevator” is a stupid name for the object the name refers to and don't understand why we don't use a more reasonable term, such as "lift." I have tried to explain that, as far as I know, we do indeed use the word “lift,” but that it more describes those old elevators that you see in movies where you have to open the cage/gate thingy… you know, like in old city apartment buildings. They still think it’s incredibly stupid.

9) Winge:
To winge is to complain about things.

10) Zebra Crossing: (pronounced zeb - ra)
Due to the endangered wild population of zebras in the UK, the government has mandated a series of wildlife habitat links, such as we have in the US, and the places where zebras must cross the road to get to another habitat are called “zebra crossings.”
Ok, you’re right… England doesn’t have exciting or exotic animals (although you should always beware of badgers), but if someone said “zebra crossing” to you, wouldn’t that scene play out in your head?
Citizens of the US call “zebra crossings” “crosswalks,” although people in England that I’ve said “crosswalk” to didn’t know what I was talking about, because as far as they were concerned, there are only “zebra crossings” and “crosswalks” do not exist. While explaining to a group of English people that Americans call "zebra crossings" "crosswalks," it was said with great authority by one individual to another concerning the American word “crosswalk,” “Isn’t that a stupid thing to call it?”

11) Sick:
While sick in the US is generally used as an adverb and refers to the state of one’s physical health, sick in the UK is generally used as a noun and refers to the actual vomit. To “feel sick” is to feel as though you are going to vomit, to “be sick” is to vomit, and the vomit itself is “sick.” “I cleaned the sick off the floor,” “I got sick all over my jumper.”
If you are referring to the state of your health, if you have a cold, for instance, then you say that you feel ill. Saying “I feel sick” when you actually mean “I feel ill” creates a lot of confusion and often sends people sprinting for buckets.

12) Lorry:
People in the US would call this a “truck,” an “18-wheeler,” a "semi," a “Mack truck,” or a “tractor trailer,” and probably a variety of other names that I do not know about. What I’m pretty sure we don’t call it, however, is a “lorry.”
In the UK the word “truck” refers only to a pick-up truck, and definitely never, ever to a lorry, because that would be ridiculous.

13) Spot:
“You have a spot” means “you have a pimple/zit,” and it is always called a spot, not a pimple or zit, although I’ve never been under the impression that anyone thought it was wrong/silly/ridiculous to call a spot a pimple or a zit.

14) Nappies:
Contrary to the apparently popular belief among my friends and family, the English word “nappies” has nothing to do with hair or race. Rather, the word refers to what we call "diapers.” I have never heard them called anything but nappies. You can call them diapers if you want, but no one else does.

15) Lemonade:
Lemonade as we know it in the US does not exist in the UK, and, honestly, the idea of lemons made into a delicious beverage seems to freak the English out. No, in the UK, and for people who have learned their English from the UK, “lemonade” refers to Sprite, 7UP and similar carbonated beverages.

16) Football:
Growing up, I never understood why, in the US, we called the sport we call “football” football instead of calling “soccer” football, so it really only makes sense, in my opinion, that in the rest of the world the sport you play with your feet is called football, and the sport we call “football” in the US is called “American football” everywhere else.

17) Indicator:
Okay, so this one is pretty obvious, and my point here was not that the US and UK share a common term but use it differently, oh no, my point here, really, is that you should NEVER EVER NO MATTER WHAT call your car indicator a “blinker” in the presence of someone from England, because they will not be able to get over how stupid that term is, and they will tell everyone they know, while in your presence, about how “in America they call it a blinker! How stupid is that?!” and then everyone will look at you for confirmation of your culture’s overall idiocy and inability to chose appropriate names for things.

18) Pavement:
Well, pavement is pavement, right? That hard stuff they put over the ground in populated areas to make getting around easier for everyone?
WRONG! Pavement, in England, refers only to sidewalks, which are not always made out of concrete. Pavement does NOT refer generally to hard, paved surfaces, and if someone on a bicycle and someone in a car are both going down the road, and the bicyclist is knocked over by the car and falls on the road, the bicyclist does NOT “hit the pavement,” because the bicyclist was on the road, not the “pavement,” and he therefore would have “hit the tarmac.”
The term “sidewalk” does not exist in England, and from what I have gathered thus far, English people will laugh at you for saying “sidewalk” when referring to “pavement.”

19) Larry:
There exist two usages for this word in the world of the English. One is a saying, “Happy as Larry.” Larry is the imaginary UK citizen that symbolizes the happiest person anyone has ever met.
Now, as for the second manner of using this term: After having written the quiz, an English person told me that the word “larry,” when referring to the second meaning, was probably (although they did not know for certain) spelled “lerry” because it was pronounced differently. Upon demonstration of the difference in pronunciation, however, I could not tell the difference.
Other UK citizens have also assured me that “Larry” is only used in “happy as Larry” and that what I am about to call the second usage of the word is actually a different word. However, due to the fact that I would never have known that they were different words had someone not explicitly told me so, and due to the fact that when I said, “So what exactly does ‘larry’ mean again,” the person I asked proceeded to explain the meaning I am about to give you, and due to the fact that when the difference between the two words was demonstrated to me I could hear no difference, AND due to the fact that no one I asked could tell me how to spell the second term even though it has been insisted that they are different words, I feel as though I can and should categorize both meanings under the same word to alleviate confusion for potential UK travelers.
Having said that, the second usage for this word refers to a person who is boisterous, in your face, jumping around all over the place, and quite possibly (probably) drunk. “She was larry,” “They were all larry last night,” Etc. I have also heard a radio DJ describe an article of clothing as “larry.”

20) Shandy:
As far as I know, we do not have Shandy’s in the US. What we have instead is light beer, which, in my opinion, tastes much better.
An English Shandy is a half a pint of beer and half a pint of “lemonade” (Sprite). This creates a kind of version of light beer so that the driver can have one or two drinks without having to worry about going over the legal limit.
I find this combination rather gross and unhappily sweet, and have never once wondered why it isn’t popular in the US.

21) Sledge:
While it sounds like some gross accumulation of grease, fried crumbs, dirt, dust and unidentified materials found in the crevices of your favorite diner, the word “sledge” actually refers to the object we call a “sled” in the US.

22) Garden:
Citizens of the UK love their gardens, and they are usually very well manicured, but the open, grassy spaces they often refer to as their “garden” are what citizens of the US would refer to as their “yard.” However, both UK and US citizens also call the small areas that plants are grown, as well as little plots of land where vegetables are grown, “gardens.”

23) Tea:
The term “tea” is a tricky little bugger here in sunny England.
The international stereotype of the English loving tea is absolutely correct… man do they love tea. In fact, they love tea so much that they want their children to love it too and will not deprive kids of the stuff, opting to start feeding it to babies while they’re still nursing. Therefore, obviously, “tea” in the UK is the same as “tea” in the US (although not iced tea… iced tea is the drink of the devil, especially sweet iced tea).
However -- and take careful note of this “however,” because it’s an important one -- the English also use the term “tea,” far and wide… all of them… to refer to what we in the US call “dinner.” Yes, that’s right, tea for your mug and tea for your plate.
This caused me a little bit of confusion for the first couple of months I was here: “What would you like for tea?” “Oh, I don’t want any, thank you.” “You don’t want any tea?” “No thank you, I’m fine.” “You’re not hungry?” “Oh, yes, I’m hungry.” “Oh… so would you like some tea?” “Well, I’ll just have water, please.” “Okay… that’s fine… but would you like some tea?”

24) Trolley:
Shopping cart, although the English would never call it that.

25) Serviette:
United States citizens call them “napkins,” and might give you a funny/confused initial look if you said “serviette” instead, because as far as I know, “serviettes” are those little cocktail napkins you get with sausages on toothpicks. While the term “napkin” does exist in England, it is rarely used; I believe that this is because the word “napkin” is too close to “nappy.”

26) Chips:
Did you ever order “fish and chips” and wonder why they came with fries? Probably not, because you probably had it figured out when you were a kid that you can call French fries chips sometimes as well. However, if you’re in England, ONLY the word “chips” refer to those fried strips of potato that we all know and love for their delicious, unhealthy qualities and compatibility with catsup, and calling French fries anything other than “chips” in the UK will get you weird looks and blunt corrections to your word choice.

27) Pudding:
Mmm… delicious, gelatinous, milky dessert in flavors including but not limited to chocolate, vanilla and butterscotch… yumm…
Pudding as we know it is yummy, not to mention an excellent means of making cakes richer, moister morsels of deliciousness.
But not in England. In England, “pudding” refers to desserts in general, and the substance that we call “pudding” in the US does not have a name in the UK. I have heard it referred to as “chocolate yogurt" (pronounced yaug-gert), “that… chocolate… pudding… thing…,” and “milky chocolate dessert stuff.” “Puddings” is the word that you will see at the top of the dessert list in place of the word “desserts.”
There is also a difference between “Puddings” and “Sweets” when looking on the dessert menu, but I’m not completely certain what it is, and sometimes they’re both used for the same types of desserts despite the fact that they’re supposed to categorize different types of desserts, which makes it rather difficult for me to explain to you.

28) Alright:
When used by the Brits, “alright” is rarely an answer. Rather, it is a greeting and question given by most people when you come into contact with them for the first time in a day, or after several hours of not seeing them.
It usually goes like this:
Joey: *walks into room*
Other: “Alright?” or “’Ello Joey, alright?”
This really threw me for a while because I had only ever heard “alright” used as a response to something, not as a greeting or single word question, which doesn’t even always sound like a question because it is assumed by everyone in the UK that everyone else knows what this means. So at first, I just looked at the person that had uttered this word and smiled at them, sometimes nodded, and later on, simply said, “yes.”
Greetings such as “Hello, how’re you doing” or “Hey, what’s up,” widely used in the US, are considered ridiculous and rather stupid by every English person I’ve spoken to about the matter.

29) Biscuit:
In the UK the word “biscuit” is used to refer to two consumable items we have in the US: “crackers” and “cookies.” Most often, an English “biscuit” is what we would call a “cracker” in the US. They also have sweet “biscuits,” however, that we would generally call “cookies” in the US.
What we call biscuits in the US are somewhat similar to what they call scones, although scones are not a very good explanation of American biscuits and are more like really dry, crumbly drop biscuits, often baked with fruit in them, than typical US biscuits, like the type of biscuits we would use for biscuits and gravy, which they do not have in England, nor have most people in England ever heard of the stuff. In fact, the idea of “biscuits and gravy” has made the majority of English people I have tried to explain it to rather uncomfortable; they seem to have great difficulties understanding the concept of “white gravy” (sausage gravy) as well as why people would put gravy on the likes of scones.

30) Minger:
“Minger” refers, generally, to a very unattractive female. It is not a nice word.

31) Fries:
Surprisingly, the term “fries” does actually exist in the UK, although they use it to refer to a food product with a consistency similar to Bugles, although not made of corn, and sold in little foil bags. They are heavily seasoned, greasy, crunchy snacks eaten in great quantities by drinkers at pubs.
I have also been told that “fries” refers to thinner, longer style “chips,” although I have never seen this.

32) Chemist:
The word chemist, contrary to the popular belief among the quiz takers, does not refer to a drug dealer. Rather, the word “chemist” refers to the people that bottle, sell and give advice on medication prescribed by your doctor as well as to their place of work. Thus, “chemist” refers to both the pharmacist as well as the pharmacy.

33) Wellies:
Rubber boots! Wellington Boots, created by The Duke of Wellington and called Wellies by everyone in the UK, are extremely popular in this wet, muddy, clothes mucking country.

34) Crisps:
So if crispy, puffy snacks are “fries,” and French fries are “chips,” then what are “crisps?”
Chips! But you can’t call them that if you’re in the UK… anywhere else in Europe, feel free to call potato chips “chips” and French fries “fries,” because it’s only in the UK part of Europe that “French fries” are “chips” and “chips” are “crisps,” which makes observing conversations between the English and Europeans VERY amusing when the topic is food and an English person is telling a European person that putting gravy on chips is fantastic, and the European, trying very hard not to betray their confusion, grimaces, smiles and nods all at the same time.

35) Rumpy Pumpy:
Uh… remember that warning in the test? Well it applies here, and is therefore not suitable for children… at least, not if I’m doing the explaining… if you want to explain, feel free to read it to the neighborhood, but I’d rather not be responsible… alright… Ready? I discovered, to my dismay, that the term “Rumpy Pumpy” refers to sex, and, apparently, is widely known as “Rumpy Pumpy” throughout the UK. In fact, the way that I discovered the existence of the term “rumpy pumpy” was driving through the streets of a town in Devon, seeing a billboard with a scantily clad, busty woman with the words “Money and Rumpy Pumpy are What Make the World go Round” written to the left of the woman’s chest, and subsequently asking, hoping that it was not what I thought, “What’s ‘rumpy pumpy?’”
I thought that the term sounded more like the name of a Telly Tubbies character, and was horror stricken and highly amused when I discovered what the real meaning was… of course my dismay and amusement only lasted about ten minutes, and then it seemed like a perfectly normal name for a rich, perverted, decaying old man to call that thing he used to do back when Viagra could still help him.

36) Trainers:
In the US, we call them “sneakers,” but in the UK, “sneakers” is a really silly thing to call “trainers,” and we are laughed at for our poor choice of names.

37) Car Park:
This is another one of those obvious ones like “indicator.”
Ok, so all areas for parking your car, weather it’s a three story building or a large expanse of “tarmac” with lines painted all over it creating spaces for your car to stay while you go elsewhere, are called “car parks.” Car parks. Nothing else. JUST car parks.
The terms “parking lot” and “parking garage” are absolutely unacceptable terms for what should be called a “car park,” so NEVER call a “car park” anything except a “car park” because you will be made to answer (again) for your cultures absurd, impractical and stupid choice of names.

38) Carriage Way:
I figured out immediately that "carriage way" was another term for road, but for the first couple of weeks I was here I had no idea what people actually meant when they would say "The Jewel Carriage Way," and I thought that it was just an incredibly popular road that everyone talked about. Then, one day while I was sitting in the car wondering if I was completely missing the meaning of "Jewel Carriage Way," and wondering how I would know when we were on it, I saw a sign that said "Dual Carriage Way," and I said (almost shouted), "OH! DUAL Carriage Way! Is that what you guys are saying? DUAL Carriage way?"
So, as it turns out, carriage way is what the English often call the road, and if it is a two lane road, they always call it a “dual carriage way” (pronounced jewuahl or jewel carriage way) and never a two lane road. I used this one simply because I usually find it amusing when I hear people talking about carriage ways… mostly because it implies that they still use carriages in the UK.

39) Ginger Kid:
Even though ginger is pale brown in color and used to make delicious cookies, Asian cuisine and improvements in heath, “Ginger Kid” is a derogatory term applied to children with red hair, blue eyes and pale skin. Apparently it is advisable to avoid Ginger Kids in school so as not to make yourself unpopular.
Ginger Kids can usually be found walking home from school by themselves at safe distances between the large groups of normal children.

40) BONUS QUESTION! --- Wife (in New Castle):
If you guessed that in New Castle they refer to every living female regardless of age, as a “wife,” YOU WERE RIGHT!!!
That’s right… in New Castle “the wife behind the counter” can refer to the 16 year old single, virgin daughter of the shop owner who rang up your newspaper OR the 78 year old bored widower working as a toll collector because she hates being home alone all the time.
In any case, thank God it’s only in New Castle…