I said, "Do you speak-a my language?" He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich.

"Ello mate! Ow'd you get on at tha club de'oder night?"
"Oh, mate, it was arrible! Absolutely arrible."
"Why-i, wat'appened?"
"Well id wen like dis..."

I had a chat enna laugh with a few birds thru tha night, an then chatted and danced the rest u'tha night with this bird I enned up goin'ome wit. I was pissed. Well pissed, caus mate, thaut bird was mingin. We got a taxi back to my place, caus I din't realise she was a minger caus I was well pissed an took'er'ome anyway.

Well we got back'a my place en we star-ed gettin off in tha lounge when I erd me mum get up.
So real quiet we snuck inna my room en star-ed gettin off again. Well I got tha bird's trousers and top off en was workin for her pants, but then she weren't doin anythin anymoor caus she'd gonna sleep! So I woek'er'up, we kep gettin off, an then we star'ed shaggin, an mate, she might'a been a minger, but she was a good shag.

Well righ'afta we got don, she fella'sleep again and I couldn get er up mate, so in tha mornin me mum wobbled in an saw us there an had a laugh an a giggle at me minger I brought home, an when the bird finnaly woke up at half two me mum asked er to stay for tea!

Well er name turned out to be Margret, Margret tha minger, an Margret jus thought it would be love-lay to stay for tea. Me mum made pastar for tea an served profit-a-rolls an cream for puddin, it was gorgeous, then tol Margret it was love-lay havin'er for tea an gave me 20 quid to take er out'tha pub!

So I take er t'tha pub on tha way back tha club t'get'er'ca, an I bring'er to tha leas populat-ed arear in there an there's Alice with some'r mates all sittin right there. They take the piss out me an have a laugh an a joke at my expense, I neck me pint an drag Margaret out there an back'tha'club ta drop er at er ca. Well on tha way t'tha club, this lorrie almos its us on tha jeul carriage way, an Margaret screams er bloddy ead off an I staa-t shakin caus she's yellin so loud mate. Then Margaret feels bad she's shaken me like'at an she starts pettin me hair an tellin me nice things, an I fall for it like a muppet.

So we staa-t gettin off and en she staa-ts noching me off an she's really good mate, an we en'up shaggin again, en by tha time I get'er back'er'ca, she's got me telly nummer en is already ringin me ta be sure it's good. En now I been shaggin'er all week an it's like I'm an addict, mate, en I can'tstop. She been oer'f'tea twice since! I donnow'what'a'do cause she's really sweet and really good and she's a great shag an I really like er, but she's a minger mate... I mean a real minger.

So das'why I came'ere.
Oh mate... les get a pint.